went to a ska show friday night.
someone thought this was the "most interesting hickey they've seen"
i think that's gross.

i listened to myself say "i'm not that 'formal-take me to a fancy dinner-lady'. i'm the, 'drink and 40oz on a porch chick'" and chuckled with my homegirl about how it's true. and that dinner made me feel uncomfortable.

needless to say, after having dinner with my dude, at his work, gordon biersch, i drank a 40oz of mickey's and hit the 'van. almost beat some douches at pool. the doorman from cinebar bought me a shot of jameson and some other guy talked about living in san jose for a decade, which i humored him with listening to because he bought me a hefe.

and then the ridiculous conversation ensued with my dude.. i'm over it. i think i'm going on a date with someone else tonight to leviate my awkwardness. it's pure logics. right. yeah.

is it out of talent or realness that one tells you really, really just what it is that they experience?

ms jessi jane and i came up with this so far..




i did the shit on the left. she's on the right. i think has been fun so far. i'm learning a lot.
two people want to collab with me.
i don't feel like i'm very technical. and i really don't know what to do other than to paint something i like and keep fucking with it until i like it enough to stop.. aka, i feel like an amateur. because i am, with painting.
i enjoy the vulnerability of live painting. esp. bc i know i'm just fucking around and having fun.
i like it even more that modest artists are giving my pointers and suggestions.

this whole gathering of artist in a club and making art, is a grand idea. and it's really taking off on tuesday night downtown. it's where to be if you dig art culture.

i was born to paint my fetuses surrounded by other talented folks who are dripping with passion, as dirty drum and bass beats cut through the space between our brushstrokes. ah, yes. i believe i am home.

i still hate talking on the phone.
i want your face.
i want your eyes and lips.

i want you in person.

damnit.

drank delicious beer last night. watched him climb on his bouldering wall he and a buddy built. same buddy who wants to come build new flower pots with the kids at the shelter.

wake up this morning to
"hey cage, will you be my partner in this coporate holiday?"
"well, when you put it like that, how could i say no? what does it entail? do i get the cheesy flowers and chocolates?"
"heh. ugh? maybe a flower."

dubya and i:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080130170343.htm

apparently there's a common link of a single ancestor for having blue eyes.
lucky us blue-eyed freaks.

Health Realization:
i'm not going to get certified any sooner when i don't go to needed trainings.
totally thought the weekend training was this weekend, not last weekend.
damn politics and elcetions. damn.

xxx

i voted at the "morse residence" yesterday. and let me tell you, mrs. morse is a bitch.
"you're not registered. so you have to use a provisional ballot. it's a lot of paperwork and you'r evote probbly won't count."
"how can i not be registered when i recieved my registration card in the mail last month, and i was told to come here?"
"obviously your paperwork wasn't turned in and you're not registered."

what.a.fuckin.cunt.

i smile, and say "hey, it's my right to vote. i don't care about 'paperwork.'"

AH!

"what party are you claiming?"
"non"
"you know you can't vote-"
"democrat then."
"hhh."

"CUNT!"
as i snacth my PV ballot and slice her throat with the most awesomely-fatal paper cut any elecion-whore has ever experienced..
[justice.]

xxx

i feel firey today. i want more. i need car insurance. i need to starve myself of stupid shit in my life and spend more money on gas and going on drives.
new goal: cancel my internet and spend time aimlesly driving and taking pictures.

i need some sanity checks. now.
i need mountains and oregon.

i need someone to look at me and say "yo lady, it's a fuckin georgeous day."

xxx

[the thought of barak in office scares me for his safety. i feel like someone would let it slip, and he'd get assasinated.]

just that: i miss being social with those i care about.

it's like a coffee stain on your paperwork
it's the moments before you pick up on the other line
it's the last key stroke before a double click "send"
it's the anticipation of which song is next on this mix cd

it's the want to smoke a cigarette, smoke anything
it's the thought to sit up straighter, right before you do
it's the "how long have i been chewing my lip" thought
it's the moment where having a camera glued to my face thought works

it's the one beer that feels like five
it's the kiss meant for someone else
it's the distance between words
it's the dreams i had a week ago

it's like a coffee stain on my paperwork.
it's all so fuckin trivial.

but i embrace every instance i can..

"My Teeth Are Falling"

Dreams that your teeth are falling out are the most common dreams we here at Dream Moods receive. Common dream scenarios include having your teeth crumbling in your hands or your teeth falling out one by one with just a light tap.�Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but often leaves the dreamer with a lasting image of the dream. So what does it mean?

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.�

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.�

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.

In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.

Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers.

Other Perspectives

A scriptural interpretation for bad or falling teeth indicate that you are putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks rather than in the word of God. The bible says that God speaks once, yea twice in a dream or a vision in order to hide pride from us, to keep us back from the pit, to open our ears (spiritually) and to instruct and correct us.

In the Greek culture, when you dream about loose, rotten, or missing teeth, it indicates that a family member or close friend is very sick or even near death.

According to the Chinese, there is a saying that your teeth will fall out if your are telling lies.�

It has also been said that if you dream of your teeth falling out, then it symbolizes money. This is based on the old tooth fairy story. If you lose a tooth and leave it under the pillow, a tooth fairy would bring you money.�

[from dreammoods.com]

my day is complete.

i almost didn't leave my cool garage for the chilly air today.
slept thru the produce market again,
but hey. i left for obama's speech.
ms. michelle herself and few other leading women of this country spoke.

i'm sold.

i was sold long before he announced his run in this race.
(michelle sat on the Public Allies board in Chicago, ya know, that one AmeriCorps program I did in San Jose last year..)

With them in office, I see our youth being asked the question "where are you doing your service year" as a normal question to hear senior year of high school.
National Service and true Patriotism can survive outside of our armed forces, and within our communities.

Let's throw the clinton's a bone, and give america a new family.

alcoholism

Main Entry:
al·co·hol·ism
Pronunciation:
\ˈal-kə-ˌhȯ-ˌli-zəm, -kə-hə-\
Function:
noun
Date:
1860
1: continued excessive or compulsive use of alcoholic drinks
2 a: poisoning by alcohol b: a chronic disorder marked by excessive and usually compulsive drinking of alcohol leading to psychological and physical dependence or addiction

xxx

sometimes i wonder.

i no longer am willing to care about it
i will dance and sing, fuckin scream, paint and dicuss
all the things and in all the ways i must
to live embracing a peace from within.

this is an ode to all the internet photos which make yer ma's proud.
because i just found this one, and well.. drugssex&rocknroll.

he's in los vegas, and she's in ct.
but we're getting a place together in april.
they are who said, "hey, lets not go back to ohio, da mitten, or ct, let's stay and rock out in the bay!"

and that's the story of my life.

simple observance #236:

i've realized heels don't work because of my boyish stance.

at most hetero bars, a group of dudes or "brahs" will point me out as queer.
with no offencse taken, considering i am.

people are so funny with their binary thoughts with gender.

hence, my lack of interest in most hetero bars. unless i'm already sloshed. and/or it's an irish pub, where i'm home, no matter the apparell.

xxx

turn-off #18:

making comments fishing for a particular response. mostly connected with affrimation of my attraction, affection or sexual joy towards you.
grow a backbone, grab my hand and kiss my cheek. if that's uncomfortable, fuck off.
i'd rather be making art.
i don't enjoy being manipulated for a reponse. ask me if i'm down if it's like that.

i'm sick og little, insecure boys.

i never wanted a sleeve until i wanted to have one in white ink.

the search for an artist to play with white ink continues..

the sounds of rain while laying in bed
visiting with an old soul whom i miss
kickin back with some laughs
taking photos of my outrageous buddies
creating something with my hands

..celebrating someone with my hands.

x

reoccurring episodic dreams: teeth, being pulled out or spat out
what's up with that?
maybe i'm in hela (HELA) denial of self-perceptions.